All of me
by Milkshake83
Summary: What's left when the storm is over? Callie and Arizona need to decide what to do about themselves and their relationship. Post s9 finale.


Title: All of me (1/?)

Author: milkshake83, awesomeness30 and aurelie_chail

Pairing: Callie/Arizona

Rating: NC17

Summary: What's left when the storm is over? Callie and Arizona need to decide what to do about themselves and their relationship. Post s9 finale.

Disclaimer: All television shows, books, movies, songs, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work and the characters, events, and settings thereof are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.

AN – This is me dealing with that awful finale. I will try to stay as realistic as possible, but I'm sure season 10 is not going to be like this fic. Anyway, humor me! I just wanted to express my gratitude to three girls: my co-authors and beta aurelie_chail and awesomeness30. Just keep in mind that none of us is english :D Another big thank you to awesomeness30 for the brainstormings and psycotherapy and to theresaw1934 for taking her time to answer my thousands questions on PTSD.

Bowing to you girls!

* * *

_When you're lost you will toss every lucky coin you'll ever trust_

_And you'll hide from your God like he ever turns his back on us_

_And you will fall all the way to the bottom and land on your own knife _

_And you'll learn who you are even if it doesn't take your life_

_Tell me, did I go on a tangent?_

_Did I lie through my teeth?_

_Did I cause you to stumble on your feet?_

_Did I bring shame on my family?_

_Did it show when I was weak? _

_Whatever you've seen, that wasn't me_

_That wasn't me._

_Brandi Carlile – That wasn't me_

Four words.

The actual storm was still going on outside, with thunders and lightening and wind and heavy rain, but four words were all it took to make the storm inside the room stop abruptly.

The silence that followed the screams was so thick that Callie felt shivers running through the whole length of her body. Or maybe it was because of all the rain she'd caught.

She kept looking at Arizona, hoping for an answer, a few words that would make her believe she was wrong, that would give her some ray of hope. Instead Arizona had that satisfied look, like she was happy to have finally yelled everything that she had been bottling up for months. It seemed like she didn't give a damn about what she had actually said and how it hurt Callie, maybe more than the cheating itself. Just two days ago they had had sex and everything was starting to go back on the right track.

Arizona stepped forward like she had done at the TED conference, and their intimacy was growing again day by day. They got back all those little moments of affection that both of them missed. And in 48 hours they had moved to "I want to cut off your leg so that we'll be even".

Callie couldn't look Arizona in the eye anymore. She lowered her gaze and took a few steps back, plopping down on the couch behind her. Tears started falling silently again, but she didn't make any effort to stop them. She was standing there motionless, staring into the blank as far as possible from those piercing blue eyes while, trying at the same time to shut the echo from Arizona's yelling in her mind up. Out of the corner of her eyes she saw her wife mirroring her movements and backing up a bit to sit down on a chair.

Now that their battle was over, another one was starting in Callie's head, where tons of emotions were swirling around and clashing against each other: hurt, remorse, loss, guilt, powerlessness, discouragement, vulnerability, fear, heartache. How could she not have noticed what had been going on? How could she have let Arizona not talk with someone? She did everything in her power to help her but Arizona had always pushed her away. Should she have put more pressure on her? Or should she have let her recover at her own pace? In that moment Callie was under the impression that whatever she might have done was not enough, and that was the most frightening thought. That she was not enough anymore, that her love was not enough to help Arizona deal with her problems. Callie nearly chuckled. Was her love enough to help with _her own_ problems? She knew that the cheating had an explanation in Arizona's current state of mind, but she couldn't help herself feeling like someone had ripped out her chest without closing it up, wandering around with her heart exposed to all the pain and rage that were surrounding her.

It seemed all she had been doing during those months, was building a house of cards which at the first storm crumbled down. A storm named Lauren Boswell.

Callie closed her eyes, trying to keep back all the pain. She didn't want to think of the possibility that Arizona had been pretending all those weeks, that she was lying when she said "I can't lose you" or when she finally let her touch the residual limp. She might have lost her wife forever. It seemed to Callie that Arizona wasn't able to find herself anymore, and the new one couldn't love her anymore. She could picture all the pieces of their relationship, falling apart right before her very eyes. They were too many to catch, let alone put them all back together. She had no idea where to start from: from herself, from Arizona, or from them together? Every time she thought about it she was knocked down by a sharp sensation of discouragement that left the bitter taste of "It can't be saved" reverberating through her mind.

Panic started building up in her, and she tried to breathe, deeply, to stop it. She could feel it coming from deep down inside her like a speeding train. She focused on her breathing to clear her head.

She couldn't think about all of it now. There were too many emotions to deal with, to find a rational solution. The only thing she could think of was Arizona. No matter what she had said to her or had done to her, she still loved her truly and madly and having seen her so insulting, rude and angry was more painful than anything else. She desperately wanted her to feel better. She deserved to feel better. And if she needed to yell at her again, so be it. Callie would deal with her own problem by herself. She realized that this was their only chance to make it out of this horrific situation stronger than before. But she was not going to tell Arizona all of this yet, she was too worked up. She couldn't look her in the eye, out of fear of what she was going to find there, but she knew her wife was still here looking at her, a flat expression cast upon her face.

She took a deep breath as if she was trying to breathe in all the courage that had been left in the world and held it a while longer, then she started talking slowly, her voice barely heard, muffled by the still raging storm outside.

"I'm going to say something and I need you to hear me out and think about it. I don't care if you start yelling again, please just listen to me and give it a thought." Before continuing talking further, Callie paused for a brief moment just to look at her wife's expression, making a mental effort to forecast any reaction by reading her look. Easier said than done. "You need help. You haven't processed properly what had happened to you and you're right, I'm not you and I can't understand."

"Callie…"

"This is not about you forgiving me. It's about you. So, please! Start counseling." She went on with short sentences, very carefully, as if she was driving a truck full of glassware on an icy road. "Because I don't know how to help you. I thought I did. But clearly I was wrong." Arizona opened her mouth to say something but she cut her off instantly. "And I..." Callie said exhaling, "need help too." She paused for just a second to brace herself. "I don't know what we're going to do about...us...but we can't fix us unless you start fixing yourself and I, myself...So...if you agree I'll say we play it by ear." Callie waited for a response, any kind of reaction. Arizona was still as a statue, her eyes were freezing cold, no facial muscle twitched, no movement, no sound. Nothing. As if she didn't register what Callie had just said or even worse, as if she didn't give a damn about it. Callie sighed. When she realized Arizona was not going to reply, she closed her eyes and shook her head lightly. This was not going well. Either Arizona didn't care about her opinion anymore, or she was only gathering all her breathe to yell louder than ever. When Callie opened her eyes a couple of seconds later, her wife stared back at her for a fraction and then averted her gaze to the floor. This was the last straw. Callie stood up as if someone had kicked her in the ass, finally drawing Arizona's attention.

"You know what, if you don't want to talk to me, or see me, or …whatever…it's…it's fine with me. Just…talk to someone. Please. I don't want you to be in more pain than you already are." She started moving towards the door when Arizona finally let some emotions seep through and looked at the now empty couch, clearly astonished by that last line. Callie stopped before opening the door and knocked the last blow without thinking twice: "And…don't go anywhere 'til tomorrow morning, it's not safe."

And with that she left the room without waiting for a reply.

* * *

The sound of footsteps resonated in the deserted hall. Arizona found herself looking at her feet for the umpteenth time. She tended to do that a lot: watching her feet to look for stumbles and listening to her footsteps to pick up every dissonance that could reveal a weight difference or a strange gait. The storm kept unleashing its destructive powers, not in full rage but hard enough to keep everyone locked in some ironic safety behind the walls of the hospital.

Fortunately, every problem with the generators was solved, and with that all the chaos that had been ruling over the hospital for hours, was finally put in order. Still no one felt like going home and risking leaving the patients when it was uncertain how long that storm was going to last. The blonde surgeon was walking slowly without really thinking where she was going. She kept her look straight ahead, giving an impression of concentration and dedication, but truth be told the last few hours had made her mentally and emotionally exhausted. After Callie had left she had remained in that room for at least half an hour longer, deadpan on that chair, while the awareness of everything she had screamed at Callie had taken over the anger and opened the gate to confusion.

She had switched rapidly from regret, to guilt and back to anger again without being actually aware of all this.

Deep inside her she was feeling the need to clung to Callie, as if her life depended on it, but at the same time she wanted to run away as far and fast as possible. And every feeling that had swept through her didn't seem to have a reasonable explanation. There were hundreds of emotions inside of her, but they all got mixed up so quickly that she wasn't able to make out what was the right one. If there was even one…. And when confusion had become too much to bear, the only feeling that would come to light was anger.

Having felt mostly mentally exhausted and operating on autopilot, AZ managed to go back to the NICU. She recovered just before she entered it, put her professional face on and answered all the tiny human makers' questions. Thank God Karev and Jo were there with her. Several minutes after she had succeeded in calming down all the parents again, Lauren had tried to talk to her for a second time that night. Arizona felt so dirty and so disgusted with herself about what she had done that she only kept cool for a few banters before saying "Leave me alone!" in a voice a little bit higher than adequate. At least she had managed to censor the "Fuck off" that had nearly spilled out of her mouth.

Alex had appeared by her side a microsecond later and forced her to follow him out with discreetness. He was so persuasive that he didn't have to take her by the arm.

Once safe inside a closet, for a second time that night, Alex had lectured her about having an appropriate behaviour in that situation. With all due respect, of course.

But he sounded so mature and adult that Arizona didn't have hard time telling him everything that had happened with Callie: the fight, the tears, the yelling, what she said, the doubts, and the anger. She had always tried to relate with Karev as a mentor, but that night everything was so messed up that she didn't have time to nibble on the relationship with the only person that could help her make a sense out of it. And Arizona was not alert enough to ponder if it was a good idea to let him do that, anyway.

Just like he had done an hour ago, Karev gave no credit to the cheating stuff, but he addressed with courtesy and tact the topic of "mental health", without really saying those words.

He suggested that maybe she had come back on track too fast and asked her if she had talked to someone about the plane crash. Arizona's eloquent look on her face was enough of an answer. Alex told her about his fair share of bonkers, that he could recognize a mile away and that she was not one of them. Her behaviour was the only way her mind had found to deal with what she had gone through and she had locked everything with a double key turn for the good of…wll, everybody except for her.

This was one of those rare moments, when Alex opened up to someone and talked about his full of crap life. It felt kinda easy for him to show his dark side to Arizona. He briefly recounted the childhood memories about his mother, and also the ones from the near past with his brother. He took the time to tell Arizona about Ava, a story that Alex had never talked about and he most probably didn't want to remember. A story that belonged to someone else, a very different one but yet containing some similarities to Arizona's. Similarities that hit close to home for her. This particular story left the Peds surgeon with wide-open eyes and questions started flooding her confused mind. Questions she didn't want to ask, questions that made her head spin even more now, despite her best efforts to ignore them to establish some kind of control at least over her own thoughts. Control. A word that had knocked her down, had taken over her and turned her into a slave.

When Alex finished his story, Arizona's look was a mix of surprise and disbelief. Maybe she had gone mental after all. Alex doing a speech like that? To her?

At that moment he pushed the only button he knew still had an influence strong enough to bring her back to earth: her job and the children, including her own. Arizona surrendered right away and the whirl of thoughts stopped for an instant, enough to see in a blink the answer hidden inside of all of it. Callie was right: she needed help. When Alex realized he had succeed, he suggested that she should stay there for a few more minutes to calm down.

"But don't stay too long or you're going to turn into a monster again" was how he ended it, with a goofy smile as good measure.

Arizona showed up less than five minutes later, during which she forced herself to put aside her personal problems for the tiny humans' sake and their parents'. Especially because losing her job was the last thing she needed. Thankfully, Lauren always stayed far away from her from that moment on. Maybe she feared that another word could trigger Arizona to behead her violently. But judging by Karev's death glare, "somebody" must have domesticated her.

Anyway, the next hour went by with no turmoils or whatsoever. The kids were doing fine, no one's life was in danger and the parents had finally calmed down enough to go away for a quick nap. Her guardian angel showed up at her side again just to remind her that she needed a nap herself, and then, disappeared silently and let her make the choice. It was not hard.

Arizona felt a strong urge to exit the NICU, the same urge that in that moment was forcing her to some unknown place. She was trying to make sense and give a name to every feeling. She realized what the destination was only when she found herself in front of the door. _That_ door.

The blinds were closed. She was staring at them motionless like she was trying to develop X-ray vision. It was not possible that Callie was in that room again. Or was it? What if she was? She had found herself at that door without having the time to think what the reason that had pushed her to come back there was. Masochism, probably.

A second later her hand was on the doorknob without further hesitations. She opened the door gently and her breath was taken away. Callie was there again. But she was not alone. She was lying on the left bed, and Sofia was sleeping next to her.

She didn't want to ruminate over the reason why her mind guided her in that room again, and now that she was there she didn't know if she actually wanted to talk with her again. Arizona found herself inside the lounge before she had time to decide what to do. She closed the door silently and stayed put for a tiny bit, just to gaze at her presumably sleeping wife. The sound of rain gave a strange sense of peace, while the thunder cracks were softened by the windows glass. Callie was lying on her right side with one arm around Sofia's belly. Despite the dim light Arizona saw that her face was bathed in tears. She didn't need to focus on her breathing to know that she was not sleeping. She just knew.

She shook her head as if she would manage to empty it from whatever feeling was trying to re-surface. She had spent the last two hours trying to stop every sensation, and she was too tired to let them drive her to confusion again and to think too much about what to say or do, it wasn't just an option for tonight anymore. So she just let the words spill without trying to control them.

"Can I sleep here?" She waited for a few seconds, but her wife didn't flinch. "I know you're awake, if you don't want me to stay, just say it." Callie's eyes popped open without making a move to look directly at her, and she realized that came out stronger than she intended. She softened a bit. "You never sleep when Sofia is co-sleeping." That was the one thing they had never had to argue about: having a kid sleeping next to you was very dangerous, and Callie didn't need to be a peds surgeon to know that.

She couldn't see Callie's eyes, so she didn't know what her reaction was going to be. Relief swept her when she saw her bowing her head a little, enough for Arizona to understand that it was ok to stay. She crossed the room like she was walking on eggshells, and paused briefly to watch Sofia tenderly. She registered Callie's effort not to glance up, like she was afraid to look her in the eyes, driving her to move again and easing herself on the bed to lie down, the opposite way from Callie. They were like two arrows pointing at opposite directions. There was that feeling again to connect with Callie in some way but still at arm's length. Arizona started counting the holes in the ceiling panels. She knew Callie was facing her and she knew she was not looking her in the eyes, but she was afraid to glance down at her anyway. Seconds passed. Minutes, maybe. Strangely, it felt more like ages.

They were breathing as silently as possible, as both of them were afraid to break the spell the silence had casted. Arizona felt the need to fill it up. It never happened with Callie. Their moments of silence had always felt comfortable.

"Meredith gave birth to a baby boy" Out of the corner of her eyes she registered Callie closing hers again, like she was thinking _Why did she have to talk?_ But Arizona didn't falter. "Derek was in the NICU with the baby, but he's fine." She paused for a moment, but her mind was oddly silent. So she opened her mouth and let the words spill by themselves. "I still think they fished the 'Get out of jail free' cards." Callie opened her eyes again, without looking at her yet. "There are only two of them, Meredith must have shared hers with Cristina." She was surprised to hear her inner self asking _What? _ "They only got scratches, Derek's hand is…fine again, they're doing their job better than before. And now they have a Little McDreamy." Another pause. This time to gather the courage. "I think you're right, I'm going crazy." She saw Callie moving her head up a little. Finally, she was watching her. "I'm not convinced yet, but if you're called crazy by two people in an hour time lapse, there must be some truth somewhere." She could actually sense Callie frowning, so she looked at her for the first time. Yep, frowning. "Karev." She explained. Then she resumed her gazing at the ceiling. "He didn't actually say the word." A breath. "You neither." This time she stopped for a longer minute. It felt so difficult and tiring to talk. It required too much effort to gather her own thoughts and make sense out of everything. _Wait a second…._ "What if you did? What if I missed it, or or or….my mind erased it from my memory? What if I'm going crazy, I mean _really_ crazy?" Her eyes registered Callie was moving but she didn't make much of it. "So crazy I'm filtering words and…What if I just became a bad person? I don't…." She stopped in a beat realizing Callie was getting up. "What are you doing?" She was still talking when Callie handed Sofia to her and backed away leaving her with no choice but holding her baby. "Where are you going?"

Callie was already lying down on the bed again. "Nowhere" she answered anyway, and the irony of it didn't go unnoticed. She was not looking at her, again. And she didn't have to, she knew Arizona was still trying to understand why she gave her Sofia. "Do you think I would let you hold her if I thought you were crazy or a bad person?" It seemed her eyes were not finding peace tonight, as she flicked them again towards Arizona before saying, "You freaked out". Callie's voice was so low, Arizona was thankful that she still had the sense of hearing. "Just hold her. Focus on her breathing. It helps."

For the first time that night Arizona did what Callie told her without blinking twice. She closed her eyes and focused on that little chest moving lightly, put a tiny pressure on her stomach, and the adorable snorts that were coming through the slightly open pink mouth. It was few minutes later when she looked at Callie again. She caught her wiping a tear away and frowned instantly, as if an icicle was piercing her heart when the realization finally settled down comfortably in her head. "You can't even look at me." She said in disbelief. When she saw Callie squeezing her eyes shut, she couldn't hold back a whimper.

She returned her gaze back on ceiling so that she could concentrate on fighting back the tears. But she had no time to do it, because she immediately heard Callie's soft voice.

"I'm right here" Arizona looked down and they locked eyes, starring at each others' souls, silently talking without actual words. "Breathe." The blonde put the other hand on Sofia's back and started to relax again, without breaking the eye contact with her wife, most likely because of fear not to lose the established brief connection. "I'm not going anywhere." The reference to the same promise Callie had made nearly a year ago was not lost. "I didn't. And I will not. Even if you kick me out over and over again. I will not go away unless I'm sure you really want me to." Callie breathed in. "But I need time. _We_ need time."

She noticed Arizona was biting her lower lip. It took her a while before nodding lightly a few times. They stood still, motionless eyes locked on each another, trying to communicate without actually talking. This had never been hard for them, and this time was no different. They understood in an instant what they were saying to each other. It seemed like forever when Arizona spoke again, so softly that Callie's heart ached: "I hope you will forgive me."

Callie pondered a little, as still as before. "I hope _you_ will."

Arizona didn't have enough time to grasp what Callie's look was telling because Callie's pager went off. She saw her wife fishing it under her pillow and reading it. Then she blinked and sat up. She didn't move for a few moments, only a frown on her face, as if she was trying hard to read clearly. When she went wide eyed, Arizona knew something was wrong. Seriously so. "What's wrong?" Her words brought Callie back to the present.

She put away the pager while sitting up and shifted closer to Arizona's bed, where her wife was already sitting up. "Ok, don't panic."

"I already do." Arizona's brows were slightly up but she looked scared.

Callie was silent for a bit. "It's about Webber." Now her wife looked confused. "It's a 911." And then shocked. Her mouth formed the word _What_ but nothing came out. "I don't know what happened..." Usually a 911 required being fast, so she stood and start gathering her lab coat. "…but I will text you as soon as I know anything." She stopped for another second, and threw her coat on the couch again.

Arizona didn't fail to notice the panic that started to embrace her wife. "You're kidding right? I'm going with you." She began to get up trying to balance Sofia and master her prosthesis. Callie was observing her in silence, and it seemed like she was having an entire conversation with herself. Arizona could easily guess about what. But she stood up with no problem. Only then Callie spoke again:

"I'm sure there will be too many doctors around him and the NICU…"

"The power is back, and Karev is there. He thinks I'm napping, he will page me only if something very bad happens. Everything is fine." _What's with me and this line today?_ She brushed off that thought in a beat. "And there are not enough doctors, it's Richard we're talking about. I'm going with you." Callie stared at her not really convinced about it. She was having another conversation with herself again, but the only thing that got out of her mouth was a sigh. It was like a switch for opening that secret gate inside of Arizona once again. "I don't want to be alone…" She stopped. Her heart stopped too and suddenly she felt the need to add something to make it beat again. "….not knowing."

Callie didn't miss the slip, but she decided she had no more time to linger on the mess that was their relationship. "Ok." She turned for the door before she was finished.

Arizona followed her quickly. "You go ahead, I'm taking Sofia to the day care first."

They spent the walk to the elevator silently, but this time it was because they were worried about Richard. Once inside, Arizona used the doctors-only key to skip stop-overs and pushed the button to the ER.

Silence had fallen again.

Callie was trying to keep calm, talking silently in her head and shifting her gaze from the floor, to the ceiling, to the numbers. Arizona's head was resting on Sofia's but she noticed all that fidgeting. She glanced at Callie from time to time and felt that feeling rising above all the negative emotions once again.

"Breathe."

Her wife turned to her and they locked eyes again. This time there was some sort of gratitude in Callie's look, completely wiped clean of everything that had happened between them in the last few hours. She sighed hard but had no time to reply, as the doors opened right that moment. Callie looked at her wife for another heartbeat, then flew out of the elevator and started running. She turned around to look at Arizona one more time, searching for a comfort in the blue eyes until the doors closed.

* * *

The hours that followed were even more chaotic and terrifying than the preceding. After Callie had arrived in the trauma room someone had explained to her, between the machines' beep and the voices of the other four doctors, that Webber had been found near a power generator. They didn't know how long he'd been there but it was obvious that a couple of miracles had just happened. The first one was that the point of entrance was on the back of the hand: probably Richard had had the attention of not using the palm to not get stuck in case of a shock. The second miracle was that the generators' electric frequency was high, and that had prevented any cardiac or respiratory arrest. Those two miracles saved him from being instantly killed, but still he was not out of the woods.

The doctors had to treat the renal problems and various thrombi, and Jackson would have a lot of work to do with the burns. Callie had been paged when the worst was over, also because for what she was concerned she had only a dislocated wrist to deal with, caused by the fall probably.

Richard was going to be in the ICU from that moment on: no one could say if he had sustained neurological complications or whether he was going to wake up or not.

During all that hustle Arizona had always stayed silent, aside from some technical questions here and there. That was what Callie had tried to avoid when she was going to leave her in the lounge. Dealing with a situation like this one, involving a loved one AGAIN, right that day, was not going to help dispersing Arizona's emotional stress. Fortunately she persuaded her to go back to her ward, they couldn't do anything for Richard. She had given consent without making a stand. Outwardly, that is. But it was clear as day that she was struggling in her mind to stay calm and think positively.

The sun was starting to rise and the storm was finally over. The entire hospital had to be taken back to how it was before the squall, so Callie's and Arizona's paths wouldn't cross anymore for the rest of the morning. Lunch time was over when Owen approached Callie, who was seating at the nurses' station in the ortho ward, only to tell her "You two go home". Since there was no one around her, she grasped that he was talking about her wife, so she texted her that she was going to wait for her with Sofia in the hall. Twelve hours had passed, but the pain after the fight had not lessened. Despite that, she didn't want Arizona to go back home alone.

They met twenty minutes later and headed toward home in silence. Callie had already made up her mind about what to do and she was searching in her mind for the right way to do it. Even if there was not a chance to avoid a godzilla-style reaction from Arizona, she still wanted to try and use the right words to convince her that this was the best thing to do. But maybe Arizona was going to surprise her by accepting the proposition right away. The assumption of knowing her wife and her reaction was one of the mistakes she had done in the last months. If she wanted to have a chance to save their marriage she had to change her attitude and start again from scratch, hoping that Arizona would accept professional help and meet her halfway. But maybe all this was just wishful thinking.

Hoping that life couldn't get any crappier when they opened the apartment door, they froze on the spot. The living room window had been shuttered.

Callie slumped her head with a huff followed by a whimper. Arizona was speechless for a few seconds.

Then she realized the Latina was not going to move from her grumbling corner any time soon, so she reached the phone to call someone to repair the windows. The repairing took the whole afternoon and they split to do different tasks, tidying up the mess created by the rain and the wind. When Callie closed the door after guiding the handy-men out, Arizona had already fixed something for dinner and was feeding Sofia. It was like they had stipulated a non-verbal agreement to concentrate on the girl for the remaining time of the evening, until it was time to put her to bed.

Callie noticed that Arizona was lingering watching Sofia so she thought she needed time alone with their daughter, and took the chance to exit the room and prepare herself for what was about to happen.

* * *

"You said you were not going anywhere!" Arizona's voice was frightening even if she was not screaming hysterically as the night before.

"I'm not! I'll be just across the hall!"

"You will take Sofia away from me too, right?"

Callie opened her mouth but closed it soon after. She had to stay calm for both of them, because clearly Arizona didn't have any calmness left inside of her. They were arguing in the middle of the living room, where Callie had to explain to her wife why there was a bag near the couch.

"You can't take her away, I'm her momma too!"

"Arizona it's only one door!"

"Two, and it's more than that and you know it, don't treat me like I'm stupid!"

"I don't..."

Arizona cut her off. "You're making a decision without talking with me first AGAIN! Was there a clause about this in our marriage? Wait, it's because it's not legal, right? We are not legally married, so you can skip out whenever you want and I can't do a damn thing about it, right?" Now she was starting to see red again and talk fast.

"I'm not. going. away."

"You keep saying this, but it feels like that's the only thing you are doing since the plane crash."

Callie was shocked silent. "That's not fair."

A snort was the first reply. "Are you telling me what's fair and what is not?"

"I'm trying to save us, don't you get it?"

"Like the way you've tried to save my leg?"

She forced herself to speak slowly as if Arizona was on the Nasa Station orbiting in the space. Which was not that far from the truth. "We need space, we can't stay in the same room without fighting."

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard in my life!" Arizona looked at her like she had just called her straight. "We worked the whole day, and we got home only to have dinner with our girl and then go to..." She stopped abruptly and right after slumped her shoulders. "You can't sleep with me." It was a statement. "This is it, right?"

"Don't tell me you're not feeling the same."

"I'm not!"

"You hate me, Arizona!" She gave her wife time to reply, but she didn't. She just opened and closed her mouth a few times. "Do you hear yourself when you talk? You said you wanted to cut off my leg so we're even! You cheated on me! I don't even know if you love me anymore!" Arizona looked so shocked like she realized only in that moment what had happened. "How can I sleep with you? How can I...wake up next to you, have breakfast with you, and and ...talk with you like nothing happened?" Callie stopped again, hoping to hear something from that breathtakingly beautiful mouth. But when she was faced with silence again, she raised her hand toward Arizona and scoffed at the absurdity of the situation. "You don't even try to deny it." Arizona looked away, a clear sign that she had been caught. Callie sighed. It was time to address the issue. "I'm not going to apologize for saving your life. And ... apparently I can't do anything to help you deal with it. I'm not enough anymore. But I'm not leaving you. I will be there whenever you need me. You have to deal with the plane crash, and your leg, and your life and you can't do that while I'm always here reminding you of how much you hate me for having screwed up your life." She had to stop again because tears were starting to form in her eyes and she could not cry again. "You have to figure out if you still love me." Her voice cracked. "We can't live together right now." She was so tired and hurt.

Arizona' piercing eyes were digging a hole in the dark ones and her lips were stretched in a flat line. Callie could tell she was angry, but in the end Arizona gave her approval with a quick nod. She closed her eyes for a moment and when she opened them again Callie saw they were watering. It was hurting like hell to see her in that much pain, but it was necessary. "I'm willing to fight. But I can't be the only one doing it. You need to decide if you want to fight too. And I need time and...space...to deal with myself too. And we need to protect Sofia. I'm not going to take her away from you, she needs you. And we're not going to fight over who will pick her up, or where she will sleep..."

It seemed their daughter was the safe zone because this time it didn't take long for Arizona to reply with a barely whispered "Ok."

Callie sighed in relief. If Arizona had fought over Sofia or worse had given upon her, it would have been a very bad sign. She had thought about her moves very carefully. Letting Sofia falling asleep had given her the opportunity to leave her with Arizona and prove her that she didn't want to burn all the bridges between them. She had hoped though that her wife wanted the same thing, and fortunately it happened.

"Thanks. I'm across the hall. Knock if you need help. Not just for Sofia. For anything." Arizona looked like she was not buying all that kindness. "I'm serious." Callie waited for any sign that her wife had understood and accepted everything, and when she did, she turned and walked slowly to the door. She changed her mind and walked back few steps to look Arizona in the eyes. She needed for her to feel she was dead serious about this. "You have the right to feel everything you're feeling right now. There's nothing wrong with it. But you don't have to live with these awful feelings forever. Try counseling….please. Not for me, not for us, not for Sofia. For yourself. You deserve to feel better." She kept looking straight in her eyes for a few more seconds and then headed back to the door.

And when she exited the apartment, a familiar sense of déjà-vu hit her. She was back to square one.


End file.
